Chemo Sucks...Just Saying!!!

Jon finished his first round of chemo this past Sunday night, Mother's Day.  When he went on chemo the first time in 2012 after the initial recurrence, the oncologist told us 95% of patients do very well on Temodar with little to no side effects.  Jon did okay during the first two rounds, but the third round, my birthday weekend, kicked his butt.  Let me share how it works...For five nights, Jon has to stop eating for at least and hour before getting the meds.  One half hour before taking chemo he takes anti-nausea meds.  Then, I put on latex gloves (the chemo poison cannot to come in contact with skin) and place the pills one by one in Jon's mouth.  Twenty-three days later he does it all over again.  That third, butt-kicking round changed everything.  A few hours after swallowing the pills, Jon woke up violently ill.  It was awful.  Really awful.  Gut wrenchingly awful.  To see him so sick, fearful, overwhelmed...  Then, a knock on the bathroom door and two scared, small children standing together asking what was wrong with Daddy.  A snapshot etched in my mind forever.  Jon threw up for the next several hours.  I called Sloan to find out what to do.  Wait.  Wait till he stops vomiting.  Wait till he can keep the anti-nausea meds down again.  Wait till the hell that was this moment in our lives stopped.  It felt like an eternity.  It wasn't, but it felt like it.  That moment changed our lives and the "chemo process".  With nine rounds still to go, our routine changed.  Jon and I spent each one with a bucket close by, sleeping downstairs.  He despised chemo, becoming depressed a few days before and feeling sick for many days after.  It was a struggle just to feed him, keep him hydrated and help him stay positive.  Well, here we are again.  Jon's mindset going into surgery was positive this time around, but chemo remains a daunting task.  He has six rounds.  The first one already brought on nausea and appetite issues.  For me, the most painful part is watching Jon try to prepare himself to swallow those horrid pills.  The struggle to get them down, the fear etched in his face, the way it impacts the whole family.   The psychological, emotional and physical challenges are exhausting yet he knows there is no choice.  So he does it.  We do it.  Those moments late at night, when it's just the two of us against the chemo are some of the toughest.  But together, we are stronger.

Coincidence?

So...those of you who have been reading the blog regularly may have noticed that I left you hanging at the end of last Thursday's post.

Last Thursday, we went to BJ's to pick up some items for the house.  At one point, I walked over to the clothing section to look around.  While browsing, I noticed a gentleman walk to the left of me and begin looking in another section of clothing.  After a few minutes, he spoke to me and I couldn't hear/understand what he said so I asked him to repeat himself.  After he said it again, I still couldn't quite understand him, but I heard enough to figure out that he was making a comment about the jacket I was wearing which has the MSKCC(Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center) logo on it.  I believe his comment was something like "I know that place well."  As he said this, I noticed some type of scar on his head.  I took my hat off and showed him my scar and said, "brain tumor?"  He said yes and described the type of tumor that he had/has.  His tumor is a Glioblastoma which was surrounded by an Astrocytoma and an Oligodendroglioma (Unfortunately, I know what these are!).  Jonathan told me that his surgeon had to remove most of his right Frontal Lobe.   He is currently 12 years post-surgery and regular MRI scans are all that is necessary.  I was amazed at the success he has had during the 12 years.  Knowing what I do, the Glioblastoma alone could probably have killed him within a year or two. He is certainly beating the odds. We spoke for another minute or so before we wished each other luck and moved on.

How could it be that he and I just randomly met?  This was no coincidence.  I think I was supposed to remember to keep everything in perspective.  Jonathan has, I'm sure, outlived the statistics and his doctor's expectations.  As I begin the first of 6 Chemo cycles tonight, I will keep Jonathan in my thoughts and prayers, and I will use his story to give me the strength to get through this.

"This Little Light of Mine"

This is a post from a blog that I follow called, "This Little Light of Mine"  The blog's author is, Whitney Cox.  She is 27 years old.  Whitney is married with a 6 year old and an 8 month old.  Whitney has stage IV metastatic cancer.  She writes inspirational posts full of faith, hope, and love.  I often find messages in her posts that teach and encourage me as I continue my journey. This is her most recent post, which reminded me how powerful and debilitating fear, negativity, and despair can be.  I encourage you to follow her blog also.  She is amazing.

"When I started this fight my sole purpose for survival was to be here for my family. After speaking to many other cancer patients and survivors over time, it has become so much more than that. I want to be an example. I want to be for someone else, what so many are to me. I'll explain. When I was first diagnosed, I felt absolutely hopeless. It could have very well drove me crazy, the thought that this disease was going to kill me in such a short time. Just knowing "what" was going to kill me was enough to make me miserable. I was not the least bit positive. I was terrified. I hope I never forget what that feels like, because I realize how incredibly blessed I am to have HOPE. Just to be able to let go of that fear, to let go of that despair, is a miracle in itself; a precious gift from God. Not everyone can let it go, which is totally understandable. Saying that it's hard, is the understatement of the century. It can very easily take over every aspect of your life, every thought. My heart breaks for you, if you are living in fear. But if I can give even a glimmer of hope to you, my friend, it is such a blessing to me. It gives me so much purpose. I've had so many survivors share their testimony with me, and each time I thought..."Wow, if God saved them from THAT, surely He can save me too." Sometimes, that hateful little voice was there whispering, "but your liver"..."6 months"..."not curable"..."it's not the same." Let me tell you! The devil is a LIAR. He wants to see you cower in fear! But GOD is BIGGER. Bring your fear, bring your despair, and lay it down before your Father. You don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Jesus carried it for you on the cross, and by His wounds we are HEALED."  -Whitney Cox (This Little Light of Mine) http://whitneycox.thislittlelightofmine.net