Tough Week.

I've been avoiding this post, because It's much easier writing about positive steps that I have taken. I also realize that everyone reading is wanting to hear the amazing strides I am making in my recovery, however I can't fulfill that this time.

This has been a very difficult week. After my last trip to the ER and realizing that a lot of the aches and pains I was experiencing were anxiety related, everything has changed. On Thursday, I had expected to work a half day and then prepare for our jazz concert which would be in the evening. Before work, I stopped at my parents and began to feel a bit low. I thought maybe the oatmeal I ate wasn't enough. so I ate some watermelon that my parents had in their refrigerator. I continued on to work where I experienced waves of feeling very low energy, irritability, fatigue and depression. Before teaching my first class I decided to call Sue at work and ask her to come and pick me up. I made it through my first jazz class and my co-worker Greg took my second class. Sue picked me up and we went home. I felt crappy the rest of the day and I decided that I could not go to the concert that evening. It was a difficult decision, but it had to be made.

The anxiety is paralyzing. My entire body feels it and I can't will myself out of it. There were a couple of evenings when I felt it disappear. My body felt better, my appetite came back and my spirit lifted. This was short lived because the next day it was back. As part of this anxiety are the dark thoughts that are similar to the place I was in when first diagnosed with the tumor. My brain keeps going to the worst case scenarios in every situation.

Yesterday, I started to feel some slight tingling in m left arm and hand and later the leg. I immediately decided that my tumor had grown and was affecting my motor functions and I would have to have chemo therapy and would be sick from it. Will I ever be myself again? Will I be able to work again? Will I gradually deteriorate and be reliant on the people around me to get through each day? This isn't what I had planned for our lives? Why am I having to go through this?Will I ever be happy again? I want to go back to the happy days.

What has changed so much from all of those weeks when I was feeling great both physically and emotionally? I started an anti-depressant to help with my mood and anxiety. Is this having an affect on me? Is what remains of the tumor affecting me? Is the anti-seizure medicine that I've been on since before the surgery affecting me? Sue and I both have spoke to Sloan and my doctor said that I haven't been on the anti-depressant long enough for it to help me. He did start weaning me off of the anti-seizure medicine in hopes that this will help the problem. We moved my MRI up to later this week, which further enhances the anxiety level, wondering how I will get through the exam and waiting for the results which won't be known until the following day.

Needless to say, I have been struggling every day since Thursday. On Wednesday night, I spoke to a high school friend who was also diagnosed with a brain tumor and had her surgery almost a year to the day before mine. Her tumor is an astro-cytoma which is Cancerous and she has had and continues to have a tough battle, but has a positive attitude and continues the fight. Although I enjoyed reconnecting with her, I think hearing some of what she has been through was difficult for me and I wonder if this conversation has affected me. It's hard to know when to compare stories with someone and when to protect myself. I don't blame you for this at all, Christine, and I wouldn't want you to be anything but honest with me. Hopefully we can talk in the future when I'm in a better emotional place.

I have my first meeting with my therapist on Wednesday and I'm hoping this will help get me back on track. Please continue sending the prayers my way.

Today Will Be A Better Day.

So I guess the tone of yesterday's post caused some concern, because I heard from a couple of friends who were concerned and contacted me. One friend sent me a message to let me know that the anxiety I've been dealing with is normal and that she too has dealt with this. Hearing her story was very helpful in knowing the power that anxiety can have over your body. The second was a phone call from a college friend who is also concerned about for a different reason. He lit into me about doing too much and expecting too much from myself.

Both people who contacted me were very helpful in getting my head screwed back on. It was a very tough day filled with fear and anxiety and hearing from these two great friends was extremely helpful, thank you! Additionally, I was able to verbalize some of the fear and anxiety to my wife which also helped me. By the end of the evening, I was feeling physically and emotionally much better.

Sorry to anyone who I worried by yesterday's post. The folks at Sloan-Kettering told us that I would have these days and thankfully I have an amazing support system around me of family and friends that swoop around me and help pick me back up.

Today WILL be a better day!

Is it ALL in my head?

I feel like I'm battling with myself over whether symptoms I'm feeling are legitimate physical symptoms that should be checked by a doctor or if they are related to anxiety. As you know, my recent trip to Mather would seem to indicate that anxiety is in play. Initially. knowing this was comforting and helped how I felt physically as well as mentally. As the weekend continued, this battle started to creep in again. On Saturday, I made the mistake of mowing both the front and back lawns rather than splitting them up over the weekend. I was very tired for the rest of the day and most of Sunday. On Monday, I worked in the morning as our marching band performed in Bohemia's Memorial Day Parade. I was outside for about 3 hours and felt pretty good marching the parade. We had some friends over for dinner and following dinner I was cleaning up and felt the need to sit down. My legs became very shaky and I got very warm and sweaty. This felt like one would feel when their blood sugar level is down. The only problem with this is that I had just had a nice dinner of grilled chicken, corn, watermelon and pasta salad. Our guests had baked cupcakes for the kids and I might have had a bite or two of Thomas's. Eventually the sweating gave way to some slight nausea and then the chills. I even had to put on a sweatshirt and cover myself with a blanket. I was very scared and wondered if this was going to land me back in the ER. I waited it out, slept a bit and eventually felt better. It would seem to me that this was not anxiety related. Is it related to my current medical condition or was it something else. Did I overdo it, by marching in the parade and then having guests over? Did this cause the problem? Do I have some other medical condition? Is there some kind of infection in my head from the surgery? This is what plays in my head during this. I slept well last night and this morning woke up with a kind of burning discomfort on my right side...feels like the lung area. Doesn't hurt more to breathe deeply, but just breathing normally I feel it. This is similar to what I'd felt last week. But of course, my mind begins to wander towards what this could possibly be and this always includes worst case scenarios. But I keep trying to tell myself, "They did a chest x-ray, and a CAT scan on my chest. If there was a problem with my lungs, wouldn't they have seen this?" It's a constant battle.
Overall, I'm getting frustrated by how long it's taking to get back to feeling good every day and performing my normal daily routines. I know it hasn't been that long, but I guess I have higher expectations for myself. I'm tired of feeling less than 100% and I want to be able to get back to normal, but my head and my body are holding me back.

I Love Drama!...Not!

Remember when you were a student and you would learn a new vocabulary word and then that next week or so you would either find that new word in a book or hear it on television. "Why all of a sudden am I hearing this word. Where was this word before this week when I learned it"? Did it exist and I just wasn't paying attention to it?

This is kind of how it's been with me these past several weeks. Now of course, I know what cancer is and I am very aware of death and dying, but it seems like all I read about, see on television and hear about in real life is cancer. I also realize, that I don't have cancer, but I did have a cancer scare. On television, I can't seem to get away from the commercials for the Cancer Treatment Centers of America or the stories on the news of celebrities who are battling cancer. This week it was golfer, Phil Mickelson's wife, who was diagnosed and farrah fawcett who has been suffering. There is a perfectly good television show, Grey's Anatomy, that I can't watch anymore because the story line has been about a main character who is dying from a cancerous brain tumor. In real life, it seems like I keep hearing about people we know who are being diagnosed with cancer and other very serious conditions. Why does it seem like the frequency of this has increased recently? Maybe it's not increasing, but I'm just very sensitive to it now.

Dr. Gutin's nurse, Patsy had warned us that there would be good days and bad days for us in the coming weeks and months and suggested that we try not to have bad days at the same time. To this point, I didn't think I had really had any bad days. There were days following the surgery when I was dealing with the effects of anesthesia, and steroids, but overall I was just happy to be alive. Well, it finally hit me this week. It was probably a combination of working more and being more active which has made me more tired and I've also been dealing with some issues with anxiety. Much of which has to do with what I wrote about earlier in this posting. Even driving has been tough at times and on certain roads. I worry mostly about other drivers who might do something stupid that would cause an accident. I worry about other family members who are driving and what could happen to them.

It's the anxiety that caused some drama when it landed me back in the er on Wednesday night. The ache I have had in my chest and the evening changes in breathing was enough for my oncologist to suggest I go to the er. I initially refused, not wanting to further disrupt my family and my routine. I also hate the thought of spending 8 hours in the hospital for them to tell me that I'm fine. Well, it ended up being 20 hours and I'm glad I went because they were able to tell me I was fine. The reassurance from the x-ray, Cat scan and stress test that were all negative was able to help me focus my energy on reducing my anxiety rather than worrying about what else might be wrong with me. We were able to tell a white lie to Maggie so that she wouldn't be further distressed and that worked like a charm.

Earlier in the week, my family doctor had suggested and prescribed some medication to help with the anxiety as well as some counseling to give me some tools to deal with the anxiety. Initially I was resistant, but I think trying this for a short amount of time might be beneficial and get me over the hump. So, that's it...no more drama from me...I'm done!

Happy memorial day! Please take some time to remember those who have given their life to protect us and our freedoms in this country. Remember their families who have suffered in pain from the loss. Never take for granted how wonderful our lives are in this country because of their sacrifice.

This has been tough on everyone.

Check out what Maggie brought home from Kindergarten today. Oh the pain! :(

In case you can't read her writing, it says: I am scared of when my Dad went to the hospitle because I thowt he was going to die and I cryed it was scary.

The Concert.

So the spring concert at school exceeded my expectations on thursday night. The new tux that we bought in the fall does not fit at the moment and we had to piece together an appropriate outfit. I did my best not to be too upset with myself and kept my focus on the fact that no one was really going to care about the steroid weight I'd gained but only that I was able to be there so soon after brain surgery.

The students performed very well. I enjoyed every minute I was conducting them. I wasn't too nervous prior to the concert, but it did hit me during the performance. My legs and arms got a little shaky and I wondered if I would need a stool to sit on to get through, but I got through without it. Although I felt the energy from the audience that they wanted to hear from me in regards to what I had been through, I didn't want this night to be about me. For many of the students, this was their last time performing in high school and I wanted to keep the focus on them and all of the students who had worked hard all year. I also realized that I couldn't just ignore the fact that everyone knew what had been going on over the past 6 weeks or so and I did make reference to it, but kept it brief which also helped me not to get too emotional. The seniors gave me a beautiful gift and I will miss them all as they start a new chapter in their journey.

Probably the most notable experience that night did not happen in the auditorium. I met a former student in the band room who came to visit and say hello. I had recently heard a little about some major health issues that he had been battling and I was interested in hearing how he was doing. Rich has a tumor on his upper spine that is causing him tremendous pain. He went to Memorial Sloan-Kettering and they found that the tumor would not be able to be removed due to the location and the risks involved. They put him on some pain killers which don't seem to be helping much at all. It seems that the doctors will be making some decisions about treatment for this tumor, whether it be radiation or chemotherapy. As I've said, I have heard so many stories in the past weeks about what people are going through and I really feel like this is part of the learning process for me. Here is a 20ish year old just starting his life and dealing with this terrible issue. It doesn't seem fair that my issues were stabilized relatively quickly and I have a pretty positive prognosis for the future, but it seems like Rich has a much longer and more difficult journey. Please keep him and his doctors in your prayers.

5 Weeks and counting.

So it's been 5 weeks since brain surgery and today is has a couple of other significant achievements as well. Today I will be discharged from physical therapy. I remember going to the first appointment when I couldn't hold anything in my left hand without dropping it, my balance was suspect and the left side of my face was virtually paralyzed. I had little muscle tone and overall, felt very weak. Today, I have all feeling and strength in my left hand and arm, my face muscles are progressing and overall I feel much stronger. Endurance is still an issue, but I will continue to work out to regain this.

Tonight is also our spring concert. Following my surgery, I had accepted the fact that I would not be able to conduct them at the concert and someone else would have to do it. I had set a (what I thought was ambitious) goal of coming back for the first time at the Memorial Day Parade. I wasn't convinced that I'd be ready for the parade, but it was a goal to shoot for. Little did I know that I would start working one period a day on May 4 and that I would be able to conduct the Wind Ensemble in their concert. Pretty good achievement! I hope the students are proud of all that they have accomplished this year.

The benefit concert that took place on Tuesday was very nice. It was great to see some of my co-workers perform! It was very hard to sit there and listen to everyone say what they did about me. I felt like I was retiring or dead! It was also hard but encouraging to talk to a few parents who shared their personal stories of their battles with cancer. As I've said, it's amazing what people have to endure in their lives every day. It's like God is helping me not to focus on my own problems, but to focus on others who are dealing or have dealt with a lot worse than I currently am. I am learning so much from this experience. The benefit raised nearly $3000 in a very short amount of time! I applaud all of the students, teachers and parents who made this event possible. I hope to continue this in the future.

Live Like You Were Dying.

First thing's first. Don't forget about the concert for cancer tomorrow night at 7pm at Connetquot High School. All proceeds to benefit cancer research. Also, I will be conducting the wind ensemble in their spring concert this Thursday at 7:30pm. We are first on the program. I didn't expect to be able to do this concert and was ok with that fact, but I have worked hard to get back and I hope the kids have a great concert. See you there!


As I probably wrote at one point, there were a lot of signs and symptoms that led to me being diagnosed with a brain tumor. There were the medical symptoms, but there were some other non-medical signs or messages that I was getting along the way. I remember thinking and even commenting to Sue about a year ago that I wanted to investigate getting one of those disability insurance plans like AFLAC. I just thought, "boy what would happen, if I was unable to work for a long period of time." Remembering that our district and union had made a plan like this available to teachers, I called the district to inquire about it. I guess no one chose to sign up for it when they realized that the cost would not be taken out pre-tax. I wanted to call the union and find out if I could sign-up anyway, but I never followed up.

Another sign was that prior to finding out what was going on with me, I often had a certain song in my head. As a musician, I often have music going in my head, but this was different..and it's usually not a popular tune. Most of you know this and the lyrics, but here they are anyway.


He said I was in my early 40's,
With a lot of life before me,
And a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
I spent most of the next days, lookin' at the x-rays,
Talkin' 'bout the options and talkin' 'bout sweet time.
Asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the real end.
How's it hit ya, when you get that kind of news.
Man what ya do.
And he says,

[Chorus]

I went sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fumanchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I've been denying,
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.

He said I was finally the husband,
That most the time I wasn't.
And I became a friend a friend would like to have.
And all the sudden goin' fishing,
Wasn't such an imposition.
And I went three times that year I lost my dad.
Well I finally read the good book,
And I took a good long hard look at what I'd do
If I could do it all again.
And then.

[Chorus]

Like tomorrow was a gift and you've got eternity
To think about what you do with it,
What could you do with it, what can
I do with with it, what would I do with it.

[Chorus]
Sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fumanchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'.
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.


It is said that Tim McGraw wrote this song about his father, Tug McGraw, former Major league Pitcher who had been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor and given 3 weeks to live. He ended up living 9 months. The lyrics in this song say a lot and they have much more meaning to me these days. On the surface it says that when you're faced with imminent death, one would want to experience as much as possible and try to be the best person he can in his final days. The more important message to me is when Tim writes, "Someday I hope you get the chance, To live like you were dyin'.

There were several days initially, when I was convinced that I would not get to walk my daughter down the aisle to get married or would not get to take my son to his first baseball game or even have a catch with him. My thoughts were that, this is going to ruin my family's life. It's still hard today to even write about it. Once we knew that this tumor was treatable and I could live many years with this, my focus began to change. I started to think more of these wonderful lyrics.

What would I do if the prognosis was different. How would I choose to spend my last days. Would I choose to wallow in self pity and ask, why me? No, I would choose to live and enjoy every moment I had left. I would choose to love deeper and speak sweeter and forgive anyone who I had not. The more important thing is that I choose to live this way even with the current prognosis. As I've said, I'm different now and I will think and behave differently than I would have before. And most importantly, I wish that everyone could experience this change i themselves without having to go through what I have.

I'm not into preaching to people about how to live their lives, but I just know how differently I look at things now and I think it's a gift and I wouldn't want to go backward.

So spend $.99 on Itunes and put this song on your ipod and just think about the lyrics as you listen, they're very powerful.

Another Step Forward!

You'll notice that the time of this posting is not 3am or some other ungodly hour! That's because your favorite blogger slept the whole night in his own bed!! As I figure it, it's the first time I slept the entire night in bed sine March 27. That was the day before the ill-fated brain MRI. It seems like a small thing, but I can't tell you how excited I am that I made it through an entire night without watching TV or going on the computer or....let's see what other crazy things did I do in the middle of the night...eat like crazy, mix up french onion dip,bake bread It's these small accomplishments that show that life is returning to normal.

Snap, Crackle, Pop

As time goes by, there have been some indications that healing is taking place. For one thing, my head has been very itchy. Everyone knows that as a wound heals, itching is a common symptom. It's a bit more annoying when the head is involved and a large incision. I just want to scratch it like crazy but don't want to upset the incision site. I've also been managing some mild headaches over the past few days. When you're in the hospital, the nurses are often asking you to rate your pain on a scale of 1-10, where 10 is the worst pain ever. These headaches are only getting to a 1 or 2, and they often go away as quickly as they appear. Most of the time no pain medication (I've been using tylenol) is necessary. My guess is that, as I've been weaned off of the steroids which were used to teat swelling in my head, there has probably been some mild swelling as my body adjusts to the fact that the steroids have been taken away. Either way, the headaches have been very mild and very manageable. A new symptom started a couple of days ago. I started getting a "snap,crackle,pop sound on the right side of my head. It comes and goes and sometimes I don't notice it for several hours. I'm sure there is a lot of healing going on inside of my head at this point and these sounds are probably very normal. Sue called over to the Commack Sloan-Kettering center, to Dr. Nolan's nurse to let them know about these symptoms. As expected, these seem like normal symptoms, but they do want us to keep a record of the headaches as far as when they are occurring, their intensity and duration. Thankfully, there was nothing to record yesterday and I hope this will continue in the coming days.

Going back to work is still going very well. Our band rehearsals have been successful and I'm really looking forward to conducting at the concert next Thursday. My co-workers had the good idea to put my group first on the program, thinking that I might want to leave right after my portion. It's funny, apparently there is all of this drama going on at work within a couple of ongoing situations. my outlook on this stuff has changed a lot over the past month. Even before all of this, I was the type of person that would mostly steer clear of all of this crap and do my own thing, but I would find myself being drawn in and getting upset by it and the people involved. I feel differently now. After this past month, I know what is important. For on thing, I have the best job in the world! I get to work with wonderful young-adults who at times can make you crazy, but they are some of the most caring and appreciative people I have ever met. The cards, letters and messages that I have received have taught me how much of an impact I have had on their lives. There have been small things that I have said or done that I don't necessarily remember, that have made a lasting effect on these people. It has given me a renewed sense of pride, but it has also reminded me of the responsibility of what I do and say to students everyday. With one sentence or less, I can build a person up and I can also tear someone down. We as teachers all have this ability and we need to remember how much influence we have on these kids. Even though it seems like they are not listening to us, they are. Even though they seem disinterested in what we have to say, they ARE interested, and even though they will never admit it, our students need to be praised for their accomplishments and guided and supported through their failures. We hold an amazing power in these people's lives and I hope I never take this for granted again.

(As I've alerted some folks, it seems that since my surgery, the filter that we all have in our brains that tells us, "hey don't say that out loud." or, "If you say this you're going to offed someone" is a little impaired in my brain so beware! You've been warned! :)

As for all of the drama that goes on every day in a school district, I say GROW UP, PEOPLE! Put a period to everything that has happened and move forward. There is no reason that two, or more, adults can't peacefully co-exist and work toward the same goal of effecting the lives of our students. Someone needs to be the bigger person and decide to rise up out of the hole of drama and focus all of their efforts on our students. When you think about it, it's all stupid crap that really doesn't matter. We all have a lot to offer our school and our students need us to get along. They always know when we are not getting along, because they see through our attempts to cover it up. As I move through life, I have found people who can't seem to function without drama in their life. It's like the drama fulfills some kind of need for them. In these situations, I say, Don't fulfill that need for them, rise above it. And frankly, I really don't want to hear about it. I am in a really good spiritual place and I really don't wan to hear the details of the drama that you have chosen to get yourself involved in, so go unload your crap on someone else. Sorry to be insensitive, but I've been faced with my mortality in the past month and I could really care less about this meaningless stuff that takes up so much time and energy, needlessly. I was going to continue my rant into some larger school organizations, one of which I am a part of, who think they are working for me and our students, but care only for a small few and their goal is to make everyone afraid and paranoid, but that filter I was talking about earlier is kicking in and actually yelling at me to stop, so I will!

On a much more positive note, one of my extra-curricular jobs is advisor of our chapter of the TRI-M National Music Honor Society. It's a hard job because our students are so busy with all of the activities they do that we struggle to get anything accomplished in any given year. While I've been away, however, the group has sprung into action. It seems that my experience has inspired these students to put together a benefit concert. They have scheduled several groups from all of the different buildings in the district to perform. Apparently, there will be raffles and other money-making events and all of the proceeds will be donated to cancer research. I am honored to have been the impetus for this event. It once again shows me the impact that I have every day and it reminds me to protect and continually care for the special relationship that I have with my students. It also reminds me of what is important in life. I plan on attending this event, even if it's only for a short time. The even will be held at Connetquot High School in Bohemia on Tuesday, May 12. I would assume that it would be at 7pm, but when I have more info, I will post it.

Remember to keep focused on what's truly important in your own life and to rise above all of the stuff that wants to draw you down into negativity. It's so easy to get drawn in, don't let it happen.

A rainy return to work.

It's been so rainy here for the last few days and it seems like it will continue for at least another day or two. The darkness of it all is so difficult to deal with sometimes. It's definitely not as bad as those days in between diagnosis and surgery, which were similar weather wise and so dark I could barley function, but it's amazing how a little sunshine can change ones whole mood and outlook. I really don't know how people in places like Seattle, England, Rochester, and Fredonia, NY (just picking on some family members) deal with all of the grey days each year. Hopefully they are taking their vitamin D supplements!

So, it was time to start the long process of getting back to work. It';; be a long process because I plan on taking a long time before I am working a full day. I am definitely not ready for that and I don't anticipate being ready for that for at least another month. Also, as several people have advised me, once I go back full time, people will assume that I am fine and will start expecting a lot from me. They will expect that I will be the same person I was before all of this. I also have a fear of over-doing it and getting sick. I really don't need a set-back like that. Thankfully, my supervisors have been so understanding and supportive that I have no guilt in terms of my plan to return. My wife will tell you of the days in the past, when I would have such a hard time taking a day off when the kids were sick. The guilt of not being there for the school kids, my co-workers, etc would be overwealming for me. It seems so silly now....probably a lesson I needed to learn.

So the plan is for me to start by teaching one 40 minute period per day. Since my Wind Ensemble has their concert on May 14th, I thought I should work with them everyday and help them prepare for their concert. Once the concert is over I can shift my focus to my jazz ensembles who have their concert at the end of the month.

I was very excited all day to get back to teaching. A couple of issues popped up that fall under the category of, "Why do we really need this right now?" Maggie came down with a double ear infection and was home from school. Which means more sleepless nights for Sue and lots of screaming and crying (from Maggie...not me!) Also upon returning from a shopping trip to BJ's, I hear a noise from my car that sounds like air leaking from somewhere. Yup...a big fat nail in the tire! Thankfully, SUe didn't need her car so I took it to school.

I arrived at school about a half-hour before the class. I was greeted to a decorated office. Some of the students made welcome home signs and hung cardboard music notes in my office as well as streamers hanging in the entryway. Very sweet! I got to chat with some students and co-workers and before long...the bell rang and my anxiety level increased. I had someone put my chair on podium so I could sit while I conducted. Before I could start the class, a couple of the seniors came up and made a short speech about how thankful they were to me for the hard work I did on the Disney trip. They gave me a beautiful present, including a Disney T-shirt and a picture of all of the seniors in a Disney frame. Very thoughtful! Another group of students gave me a journal that they had purchased in Disney and they wrote down some of their experiences while they were there. I have not read the whole thing yet, but one student insisted that I read the first entry. The entry explained something was wondering about since I had arrived. There was a trophy in my office that said, "World's best Father". I was confused by this and I didn't know who's it was. Upon reading the entry, it all became clear. The student's wrote that as they travelled through Hollywood studios, they came across trophies. There were all kinds of trophies, including some that said best teacher, etc. In thinking about getting me one of these, one of the students said....no...he's more than a teacher, he's our father. It was tough to get through that moment without crying but I did. How lucky am I to have chosen this career. Our students are some of the most kind and caring young people I have ever met. Their parents should be proud of them.

The rehearsal itself went well. The band is sounding pretty good and I'm excited that I should be able to get through the concert with them. It was great to get back to the routine and I thank God for the strength that has returned already. Upon returning home, I did crash in my chair for a nice nap! Thanks to everyone who made my first day so special!

Whistling Willy.

As a pre-teen and teenager who loved music, in particular jazz, I remember spending many hours in my room listening to music and whistling along. I'd even be whistling to the music left over in my head when it was quiet. I'm pretty sure I remember Mom ad Dad referring to me as Whistling Willy from time to time. Because I did it so much, I was a pretty good whistler. I even found that if I could whistle it, I could usually transfer that knowledge over to the saxophone and play that melody on my sax. I spent at least as many hours blowing familiar melodies on the saxophone...most of them the melodies that I was constantly whistling.

Post surgery, I had a major weakness on the left side of my body. Because of the location of the tumor (right side) and the fact that the tumor is resting against the motor cortex of the brain, the work that the surgeons did to remove almost all of it, did some as they described, "temporary damage" to my left side. My left arm and hand had been very numb following the surgery and even more so was the left side of my face. Smiling was how the doctors checked the progress of this. I didn't realize the severity of it, until I did it in the mirror one day and realized that the entire left side of my face was not moving at all. I think Dr. Gutin understood my frustration and fear as during one meeting while on his rounds, he told me "It'll come back, Scout's honor!" I believed him and had total trust in him, but I was definitely concerned.

Over the past 3 weeks, I have seem remarkable progress in the numbness in my arm and hand. At first it was a general numbness and I didn't want anyone touching that hand because it felt like dead meat. As the days passed, feeling started to come back and the general numbness changed to specific spots in my fingers of numbness. It would feel I had a tight rubber band around o finger or two. It wouldn't last long, but it would come back often. Sue had bought me one of those squeeze balls. It was like a balloon that was filled with sand that you can squeeze for stress relief. I found that the more I used this, the better my hand felt. Today, the left arm/hand is pretty much back to normal, however occasionally the entire arm will go totally numb. This will last for 10-20 minutes and then it will go away. It's a very uncomfortable feeling, and I always worry that it won't go away this time.

As far as the face goes, aside from the smiling problem, I have not been able to whistle since the surgery. Sue and I have had a special whistle that we've always used to get each other's attention and I haven't been able to do it. When I try, it just sounds like air...no whistle...very frustrating. As I wrote yesterday, I thought it would be a good idea to go over to school and get my saxophone and try playing a little to get those muscles to engage and I did.

So yesterday afternoon, I put the sax together and started fooling around with it. Unfortunately the experience was difficult for me. First of all, the muscles are so weak, that I felt like a fourth grader who was just learning how to make a sound on the instrument. Air and spit were flying everywhere. How unfair is this? I have a Master's degree in performance where I studied with a world reknown saxophonist and here I am at 35 years old and my skills are gone. The other "problem" is that I have two beautiful children who worship the ground I walk on and when they watched me put my sax together, hey went and got their recorders so they can play along too. The problem with this is that, they play the same very high/loud pitch over and over again. I found it impossible to focus on what I was trying to accomplish because of the noise that I could barely stand. I eventually withdrew to the garage for about 5-10 minutes so that the experience ended in a positive way. I found that the more I played, the better the sound and feeling got. I felt like I was starting to control those muscles just a little bit.

This morning, when Sue and Thomas took Maggie to religion class, I took out the sax again and played for a while. Again, at first, it was very difficult, but quickly improved. Following this experience, I took a shower. While in the shower, something made me want to try to whistle. I couldn't believe what I heard...my whistle was back! When Sue came home...I demonstrated and she seemed impressed. I also checked my smile and it seemed to be better since having played the saxophone. So it seems that this is great therapy for these face muscles. I hope to have my smile and my whistle in great shape very soon!

Dad called and questioned me about my thoughts for mowing the lawn. The weather was questionable, and it will be fr the next several days. If we didn't get it done today, it will be more difficult when it's really long in a few days. I agreed and Dad offered to come over and help. When he arrived, I was just finishing the front. I expected to be able to at least do the front, but was unsure how much of the back I could do before I needed to relax. I felt pretty good after the front, so I continued to the back and ended up doing all of it. The walking felt fine..it was just the bending that I had to do while emptying the bag that caused me some discomfort. I felt very happy that I was able to do all of it on my own...it just means I'm getting more of my life back and soon I won't have to rely on others to help (not that that's a bad thing!)

At about 3:30pm, my co-worker, Greg, his wife, Chrissy and their twin children came over to visit. Sue had been concerned about this visit and if I was really ready for all of this activity. I admit that I was too, but I really wanted to have some visitors. I think I did a great job of enjoying our company and enjoying all of the kids. I was so impressed by Maggie and Thomas. They loved having the babies here and took such great care of them while they were here. We had a nice dinner and dessert and by 7:30 ish, I was definitely ready to crash. Tomorrow, Mom ad Dad are meeting us for church and the maybe some breakfast afterward. I feel like, the more I push myself, the more I can do.

Today was a very good day!