3 Months Later...

This very moment 3 months ago, I was laying in my hospital bed in the intensive care/recovery area of Sloan-Kettering Hospital in Manhattan. I had bandages covering most of my head, IV attached, catheter, and God knows what else I was hooked up to. I was not allowed to eat solid food and visitors could only come in for a short amount of time. I had little or no feeling in my left arm, hand and the left side of my face. An amazing surgeon and his very skilled team had just hours before opened my head and skull and removed 95% of a 7 centimeter tumor that had been growing in the frontal lobe of my brain for at least 10 years.

As I think about these past three months...so much has happened. It seems like years have gone by since first finding out that I had this little issue! I think of all of the assistance I needed getting out of bed, showering, getting dressed and many other every day routines. I recall those horrible headaches in the first couple of days post surgery that I thought would never subside. I remember having big sister, Laurie, here to help me recover. I remember the terrible days of feeling "impending doom" as Dr. Carlson calls it. The feeling that at any moment you are going to die from any number of imagined ailments.....blood clots, pneumonia, heart attack, seizures, cancer, etc. The two trips to Mather Hospital are days I would rather forget. Not to mention the debilitating days of anxiety and depression.

But, I also remember all of the amazing things that happened along the way. My amazing wife, who has taken the vow, in sickness and in health to heart and has been there for my every need. The amazing support from friends, family and people I didn't even know. The cards, letters, gifts, visits, prayers from around the world. These small gestures are what got me started on the road to recovery. It helped me to feel cared about, valued, loved and that I had an impact already on this world and that I had more work to do. In a short amount of time, I was able to go back to work and get my students ready for their concerts. I was able to march in the Memorial Day Parade and returned to work full time before the end of the school year. All of these small steps that I have made has added up to tonight. Tonight I completed a 3 mile walk/run as well as abdominal exercises which is the exact routine I had been doing prior to the surgery. I am back to doing all of the things I had done before: Mowing the lawns, cleaning the house, playing with and enjoying my children. Loud noises and intense activity in the house no longer sends me over the edge looking for a closet to hide in. I have taken my life back and almost every day is a step forward.

I still live every day knowing that I have a brain tumor and there is a lot of uncertainty about the future. How will it grow back, how quickly and will I need more surgery? Will I need chemo or radiation? Will the cells change from benign to cancerous? But as my wife recently reminded me, we all live with uncertainty in our life. Anyone of us can have a life changing event at any time, but most of us don't lie awake at night worrying about it. I have made great strides in returning to that mindset of living my life and not letting the events of the past 3 months define me in negative ways. I will however use this experience to help others in some way.

We recently retuned from a trip to Fredonia and Rochester, NY. In Fredonia, I was able to attend my niece's High School graduation. Although the trip was tiring, I was proud that I could be there with my family to celebrate this great accomplishment. In Rochester, we visited Sue's family. It was great to spend time with everyone. I was concerned that seeing everyone would be overwhelming as many of them had not seen me since before the surgery. Instead, everyone just focused on how happy they were to see me rather than focusing on the details.

There are still bad days, however they seem to be few and far between. I'm looking forward to a fun and restful summer and I will continue to become more active in everyday life. On the 31st, Sue and I celebrate 10 years of marriage and although I kid with her about the coincedince that the tumor also started 10 years ago, I wouldn't have come this far without here love, support and shoulder to cry on. I hope the next 10 years are a little less exciting! Happy Anniversary and I hope you like your present!

Happy Father's Day.

It was a pretty good week. For the first time since before my surgery, I got back on my treadmill. It was a little emotional at first. I had spent so much time on that machine for over a year before the surgery. I had lost 65 pounds and was in the best shape of my life. I had so much self-confidence and felt so healthy and alive. As I got closer to March, I could do less and less on the treadmill. My 6 mile runs were down to 3 miles and even that was a struggle. I had started to tell myself that something was wrong, but I was scared. As I wrote on this blog months ago, my fear was a degenerative disease like ALS that would slowly take all of my physical capabilities away.

So I started very similar to how I started in October of 2007...very slowly. I walked 2 miles. I added some light running after a couple of days. By the end of the week, I was too tired to go on. I got back on tonight and again went 2 miles in about 27 minutes, but this time 8 of those minutes I ran. It feels good and I hope to continue to get back into shape. I feel like I need to get my body back into the best shape and health as possible so that I can fight whatever battles come my way in the future.

It was a great Father's day. On Friday, Dad and I went to the Mets game. It was my first time visiting the brand new Citi Field. I had told Sue months ago that I had hoped to go to the new park with Dad. It is a beautiful building and we had a great time and they actually won! On Sunday, we went to church and breakfast at the diner. I was thinking back the other day to Maggie and Thomas's birthday parties. Maggie's was before finding out about the tumor and Thomas's was after the surgery and I felt terrible for both events. I was not able to enjoy their celebration and it really bothered me. I'm thankful that Father's day was much better. We had a fun day and I felt great! Happy Father's Day to all. Never take for granted the time you have with your children. Make every moment count!

Relay For Life.

Soon after my surgery, a former student of mine, Pam, contacted me to offer her thoughts, prayers, and support for my recovery. She also reminded me that she is employed by the American Cancer Society and one of her responsibilities is to organize and execute the relay for life events that take place in our area. It's a huge job to put this event together and Pam runs several of these every year. This year she took on one of these events right here in Selden, at Newfield High School. Pam told me about it and that there would be a survivor's dinner prior to the event and that the ACS views me as a survivor and I would be invited. At the time I was excited to be included. The event raises money for the ACS by having teams of people collect money from donors and then each team walks around the track for twelve hours straight.

The event was to take place this past Saturday evening. Saturday was a bit of a down day for me. I had a dull headache and didn't quite feel my best and the thought of attending this event wasn't too exciting. I wonder if there were some underlying issues inside of me as well that was keeping me from going. Although I had a good report the other day from the oncologist at Sloan, I had a really hard time being around all of the patients. I felt quite overwealmed by all of the sick people I saw.

That evening, as we sat in the den, we could here lots of noise from the High School, which was the Relay for Life event. Sue decided that after she put the kids to bed, she would stop over and show her face at the event. I told her that I would go, but I didn't want to go alone. We quickly decided to put the kids in the car and go over. There were hundreds of people there, walking the track, making purchases from the vendors and listening to the live band. I quickly found Pam's mother and then Pam who were very excited to see me. I also met some other friends and former co-workers. Thomas and Maggie loved running around the track. From what I understand the event raised over $70,000, it was amazing event. I can't believe I almost missed it. Thank God, Sue gave me a little kick in the butt!

Odds and Ends

Remember the tingling symptoms that I had been experiencing over the past week and a half and suddenly they disappeared almost entirely on the day of the MRI? Well, I was doing some more research on the side effects of the medications I am taking and I stumbled upon the wikipedia page of side effects of the anti-seizure medication Keppra that I am on and low and behold I read "pins and needles in the extremities". HELLO? This information would have averted a lot of worrying about a week ago! Well at least I know that I'm not crazy....well about that anyway!

So far, this week has been very good. I started working nearly a full day minus about 30-40 minutes. I have been very tired in the evening, but the days have been going well. Tuesday was the only day so far that I didn't feel great. I had a slight headache and felt some dizziness. I also had difficulty with noise and a lot of activity. I decided to visit my parents house after work and I used their jacuzzi tub and it was very helpful in making me feel better. As I've told a few people this week, I feel like my body is a few weeks behind my head. I have a lot of things that I want to get accomplished, but physically, my body isn't ready to be pushed as much as I want to push it. The endurance isn't coming back fast enough for me and it's frustrating. I will keep working on patience!

It's been a difficult week in the house, because Maggie has been so sick. She has a very bad tonsil infection and I have a feeling they're gonna have to be taken out. Maggie is very demanding of our time and attention on a normal day and it's worse when she's sick. Her mood is also very difficult to deal with. Sue hasn't been getting enough sleep and I've been tired from working full days so other than happy-go-lucky Thomas, the house is pretty crabby.

Tomorrow is our music honor society's banquet and I'm looking forward to seeing all of the kids dressed up and having a good time, however I'm not sure how long I can stay given how tired I've been. Friday is the last day of classes and I can't believe this school year is over. The years always seem to go so fast, but this one especially because I was out of work for so long. It's always hard to say goodbye to our seniors (most of them!) but this class particularly because they were such an intelligent and talented class. Several of the students will be going to music school which always feels like a compliment to our music staff in the district. We must have made a big impression on any student who decides to follow in our footsteps. Others are going to some of the country's best universities and service academies. Best of luck to all of our seniors, we are so proud of all of you.

The First One is Always the Toughest.

This week ended up being very good. As the week progressed, I started going to work earlier each day and found that I was able to handle more and more. As thursday got closer, I thought my anxiety would increase in preparation of my first check-up MRI. Thursday morning came and I found that my mood was very good and I felt strong. I didn't notice any of the numbness I had been experiencing all day. Because my body didn't want me to get too excited, it decided to reward me with a nasty head cold which made me sneeze about 50 times at work on Thursday. I wondered how I would survive the MRI with my nose running, sneezing and coughing while I was supposed to remain still for 40 minutes or so. I was actually angry with my body much like I was in March after being diagnosed. How could my body after not having a single cold the entire winter allow this to happen now.

On our way to Sloan in Commack, we stopped at our church where father Chris prayed with us and anointed me. Leaving there, I felt even better about my being able to handle the MRI. Upon arriving at Sloan, I took some prescription medication to hep avoid any panic attacks in the MRI machine, but I'm pretty sure that I didn't even need it, because I came through with flying colors. Sue had informed me a day or so earlier that the people at sloan told her the test would take about an hour. I was really worried about that initially. When I met the technician, he told me it would only be about 40 minutes....big difference to me! The technician was great in keeping me informed of the progress during the test and before too long it was over...I had done it!

The next concern were the results of the test. Because we couldn't get an appointment with Dr. Nolan for the following week, we had to call on Friday to find out the results. Renee, Dr. Nolan's nurse finally called us around 4:30pm. She informed us that the MRI looked fine and that there was no change to the tumor. She said to monitor how I felt this week and they would decide if I needed to keep our appointment with the doctor.

On Friday, I decided to go to our family doctor to make sure that what I had wasn't any more than a cold. The nurse practitioner, Scott was glad I came. He said he thought it was just a cold, however he was still going to put me on strong anti-biotics because if it became an infection, it could be dangerous because of the short time since the surgery. I was very glad I went, and even more so on Saturday, when Maggie was diagnosed with an ear infection, possible strep throat and maybe even mono! I think these kids are trying to kill me! :)

At this point, I feel great..minus the cold. I feel ready to work a full week and maybe even start exercising more. Thanks for all of your prayers and concern. Have a great weekend.

Pushing Through the Week

The week has progressed relatively well thus far. Monday was an amazing day. I had lots of energy and I felt as good as I have felt since the surgery. My mood was very high and I was very positive. In the evening, I was even laughing for no apparent reason and Sue was starting to wonder what the heck was wrong with me! Tuesday was a little more up and down. I had a rough patch in the morning and again I felt the anxiety lift away around 8:30am as if someone turned on the light. I took Maggie to her first grade orientation and while sitting and listening to the speeches, I had another short episode, but luckily it didn't last. I went to work and struggled through my teaching periods, but made it through the rest of the day very well. Wednesday was pretty good as well. I went into work a bit earlier and although at times felt overwhelmed by the noise and activity of the kids, it was a good day. I went to my first therapy appointment and really enjoyed having someone not connected to me in any way to talk to and get some feedback from. We talked about a strategy for surviving my trip to the MRI tomorrow.

Toward the end of the session, I felt the left side of my lip go numb. Soon after, My entire left hand went numb. This was very difficult to deal with in terms of what it means to my health. The therapist and I had just discussed these types of symptoms I had been having and how I always let my mind go to the dark side and thinking about the worst possible scenarios. I tried to keep in mind everything we had discussed and not let it completely bring me down. While in the car on the way home, my hand finally came back to life and I calmed down.

Tomorrow afternoon is the MRI and I am more worried about getting through the test than I am the results and follow up treatment if any is necessary. I'm going to bring a cd of music in case they have that capability and if not, I will use the visualization techniques that the therapist and I worked on. Keep me in your thoughts for an easy time through the test and positive results.

Some Progress to Report.

A couple of hours after finishing my last post I started to feel the anxiety lifting and my appetite returned. It lasted the rest of Sunday and I was very thankful for the relief. The strange feelings in my arms and legs continues to be concerning and worrisome but there will be no answers to this for several days.

As I write this morning, the anxiety level remains low and I feel pretty well. Here's hoping I've been through the worst of it. Thank you for your continued support and prayers. Keep them coming!