Tough Week.

I've been avoiding this post, because It's much easier writing about positive steps that I have taken. I also realize that everyone reading is wanting to hear the amazing strides I am making in my recovery, however I can't fulfill that this time.

This has been a very difficult week. After my last trip to the ER and realizing that a lot of the aches and pains I was experiencing were anxiety related, everything has changed. On Thursday, I had expected to work a half day and then prepare for our jazz concert which would be in the evening. Before work, I stopped at my parents and began to feel a bit low. I thought maybe the oatmeal I ate wasn't enough. so I ate some watermelon that my parents had in their refrigerator. I continued on to work where I experienced waves of feeling very low energy, irritability, fatigue and depression. Before teaching my first class I decided to call Sue at work and ask her to come and pick me up. I made it through my first jazz class and my co-worker Greg took my second class. Sue picked me up and we went home. I felt crappy the rest of the day and I decided that I could not go to the concert that evening. It was a difficult decision, but it had to be made.

The anxiety is paralyzing. My entire body feels it and I can't will myself out of it. There were a couple of evenings when I felt it disappear. My body felt better, my appetite came back and my spirit lifted. This was short lived because the next day it was back. As part of this anxiety are the dark thoughts that are similar to the place I was in when first diagnosed with the tumor. My brain keeps going to the worst case scenarios in every situation.

Yesterday, I started to feel some slight tingling in m left arm and hand and later the leg. I immediately decided that my tumor had grown and was affecting my motor functions and I would have to have chemo therapy and would be sick from it. Will I ever be myself again? Will I be able to work again? Will I gradually deteriorate and be reliant on the people around me to get through each day? This isn't what I had planned for our lives? Why am I having to go through this?Will I ever be happy again? I want to go back to the happy days.

What has changed so much from all of those weeks when I was feeling great both physically and emotionally? I started an anti-depressant to help with my mood and anxiety. Is this having an affect on me? Is what remains of the tumor affecting me? Is the anti-seizure medicine that I've been on since before the surgery affecting me? Sue and I both have spoke to Sloan and my doctor said that I haven't been on the anti-depressant long enough for it to help me. He did start weaning me off of the anti-seizure medicine in hopes that this will help the problem. We moved my MRI up to later this week, which further enhances the anxiety level, wondering how I will get through the exam and waiting for the results which won't be known until the following day.

Needless to say, I have been struggling every day since Thursday. On Wednesday night, I spoke to a high school friend who was also diagnosed with a brain tumor and had her surgery almost a year to the day before mine. Her tumor is an astro-cytoma which is Cancerous and she has had and continues to have a tough battle, but has a positive attitude and continues the fight. Although I enjoyed reconnecting with her, I think hearing some of what she has been through was difficult for me and I wonder if this conversation has affected me. It's hard to know when to compare stories with someone and when to protect myself. I don't blame you for this at all, Christine, and I wouldn't want you to be anything but honest with me. Hopefully we can talk in the future when I'm in a better emotional place.

I have my first meeting with my therapist on Wednesday and I'm hoping this will help get me back on track. Please continue sending the prayers my way.