Back to Sloan

So Monday was the day that was scheduled to have a follow-up appointment with Dr. Gutin and his nurse, Patsy. My parents once again volunteered to drive us into Manhattan. I wouldn't say I was overly anxious about going back. Compared to what I have already been through, his seemed like it would be ok. I was a bit nervous about getting all of the 40 something staples out of my head. As far as the pathology report on the type of cells that made up my tumor, Dr. Gutin had already given his opinion that it was most-likely benign. I did fear a little that maybe he would come back and announce that he had made a mistake, but for the most part, I used my faith and more positive outlook to keep those dark clouds away.

My father drove us in, I slept much of the way in and we arrived ahead of schedule. It's been very hard for me in terms of my mood since the surgery. I have ben so cranky and easily set off by stupid meaningless things. I really hate being this way, but I also can't control it. For instance, while waiting in the waiting room at Sloan, the guy who was eating his 7 course lunch was driving me crazy. He would shut his eyes at times and it was as if he was making love to his sandwich. I know..very silly stuff, but that's me right now.

At one point, a man approached my Dad and asked if his name was, John and from Bohemia. My father respond, yes and the man introduced himself. The man was a long-time neighbor from the other end of Karshick Street. Although I didn't immediately recognize him, I knew exactly who he was and which house he used to live in. I also remember his daughters who were very active in our church as we grew up. The man told my father of the myriad of major medical problems that he had survived over the years. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The man was obviously a very tough, stubborn person for getting through all he had. He was waiting with his sister, I believe who was there to see Dr. Gutin about a possible tumor. Listening to the man made me feel a lot better about my situation and my future.

We were finally called into the office and Dr. Gutin was in the hallway. He immediately shook my hand and I got to see that amazing way he has about him. His caring nature and amazing bedside manner still amazes me. Several minutes later, Patsy came in and began removing the staples. Many of them were a bit painful coming out. She said that it was mostly because of my hair, but also because men have such a low pain threshold. I can't disagree with that!

Sue started a conversation with Patsy about my moodiness and my need to be alone or separated from people. When would this get better, she wanted to know. Patsy responded by saying, "months". She said I would need time to get over this but that I did need to get over it. Patsy continued with a pep talk for both of us and I did appreciate her advice. I do feel though that it's still really early to expect that I would be back to my happy self. It's only been a week and a half. WhenDr. Gutin had come in to see us, he seemed to side with me on that, saying to just leave me alone. I mean, I don't intend on wallowing and staying in this mental state....I fully intend on getting back to my life, but I'm not going to push myself right now. I think I'm doing a great job of just staying in the moment. I'm not looking too far in the future and I'm not dwelling on the past either. I'm really just living day by day or sometimes moment by moment. I'm trying to learn as much as I can about this, which is why this blog is so important to me.

When Dr.Gutin came in, he approached us with his normal humble manner. He immediately told me that my tumor is benign and I should be very happy that it all went so well. He reminded me about the follow-up process that I would begin at the Sloan center in Commack. The neuro-oncologist there would be in charge of ordering the MRI scans at appropriate times and he would also be deciding if and when I might need follow up treatment like, radiation or chemo-therapy. You see, they can only take out so much of the tumor before it becomes too dangerous. This is why having the awake surgery is so important. They can keep checking me to make sure they were not doing any permanent damage to my brain. Dr. Gutin said they get to a point where they get too scared and they stop. He also said that there is a very mild form of chemo that my type of tumor responds very well. One of the things that has struck me about Dr. Gutin is the amazing respect he has for the human body. Here is this amazing doctor, who can do miracles, yet he is still in awe of the brain's ability to compensate for the temporary damage that was caused. This man that does this work everyday is still amazed by it. You can't teach this stuff to someone...he's got such a gift.

Dr. Gutin took us into a compute room where he showed us the before, during and after pictures of the tumor. It was obvious that the tumor was much smaller. He had estimated that pre-surgery it was more than 6 centimeters long. Unbelievable. I was able to ask a question that I had wanted to know. I asked him if he had an opinion of where this tumor comes from. "Is it environmental, diet, genetic, etc. His response was that it is really just a mutation. This made me feel a bit better. Since learning of the tumor, I had been killing myself about whether it had to do with dangerous chemicals I had ben exposed to, or a bad diet. We finished our conversation with Dr. Gutin by thanking him for taking such good care of me and we were soon out of the office. Now the net part of the journey begins...a journey toward a "new normal" way of life. I don't know what his means yet, but the journey has definitely begun. I will never forget Dr. Gutin and Patsy. These are two extraordinary people and I will pray for them always.

Dad drove the long traffic filled ride home and we arrived home in time to end the day with our children.