Friday, April 3, 2009

Moment by Moment

So the next big challenge was to get through the next two days, with no information other than something was found on my brain MRI. I had to get through the rest of Saturday and All of Sunday before we could take the next step, which was to go back for yet another MRI. All I could think was...how am I gonna get myself to Monday. I knew all of the things I was supposed to do, like "take it minute my minute" "God has a plan" "Stay Positive" "Call upon your faith in God" "This could be no big deal", etc. The reality is that I let the darkness overtake me. I could barely function. The two days are now a blur, but I clearly remember how I felt. Picture yourself wearing a big heavy multi-layered coat that is about 4 sizes too small. You are totally constricted...you can't move freely, you can't breathe freely and you are totally weighted down. This is the feeling of the worst fear I have ever known. Eating was not a consideration. I knew it was important to keep my energy up, but looking in the cupboards and refrigerator made me more nauseous than I already was. By monday evening, I had lost at least 10 pounds. I couldn't believe it when I saw the numbers 187 on the scale. To that point in my weight loss journey, 190 was my lowest weight. The nights were better than I thought they would be...when I finally was able to sleep..it was actually the most relaxed I felt, so when I woke up,I felt pretty good until the heavy coat was forced on my body again. Sue had suggested listening to some cd's of her's. They were cd's of the self-help/motivational spiritual speaker, Dr. Wayne Dyer. I imported the cd, "There's a solution to every problem" to my computer and listened in between naps. There were several key things in this cd that seemed to help soothe me. One of them was thinking about the prayer of St. Francis. His analysis of this prayer was very helpful in putting things into perspective. Nevertheless, I got through those two days....sometimes hour by hour and sometimes moment by moment. My sister in-law took he kids on Sunday which was a huge help. It allowed Sue and I to talk and cry and she was amazing in getting me to open up to her. Maybe this is one of the lessons I am supposed to learn. Why do I choose to keep all of these burdens inside rather than expressing them. What a weekend.

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